Yesterday was one of those days. I am sure you know the ones. It seemed like Peter and I were carrying one kid off to time out on repeat and then when one would settle down, the next one started in. Ugh! There was lots of disobedience, whining, crying, and just general anger/crabbiness. I felt like I held my cool for awhile and then I came unglued and was crabby, whiny, and angry. I didn’t deal with my children’s disobedience in the way that God is calling me to deal with it.
When my children are having rough days with their behavior I seem to end up sinning by acting in anger, expecting my children to behave well and stay self-controlled when I am not, and not taking a break and praying before dealing with their behavior.
Then I feel the shameful thoughts and fears and worries rush in: I am a terrible mother, I am worried about my children’s souls (Thanks, Mom, for that line!), and I just feel like God is ashamed of me and I am a failure to him.
I have been trying to surrender my emotions to God but sometimes it feels like he is so far away. I think after days like yesterday it is easy to slip into guilt and shame. I know that God does not want me to run from him. I know that he wants me to repent and draw near. So that is what I am doing. I am laying down my sins and my fears.
This world teaches that we need to fight to get ahead, take what is ours, win at all costs, and make sure that our children submit completely to our wills. I know that God has another stance on this. I started thinking about the movie 42 all about Jackie Robinson’s life. Branch Rickey was telling Jackie Robinson that he couldn’t say anything when people were discriminating against him because they would make him out to be the enemy. Jackie Robinson replied with, “You want a player who doesn’t have the guts to fight back?” Branch Rickey answered very wisely, “No, I want a player who’s got the guts *not* to fight back.”